Learning to Love this NEW life...

Learning to love this NEW life

I was sitting here thinking about the past year of my life, chapter 32, this has been one amazing ride good and bad. I have been on a roller coaster since January.  I’m still trying to find some understanding and why this all happened to me, but I have to remember who am I to question God’s plan. I have been homeless, heartbroken, and hopeless, but no one would have ever known. I smiled, I laughed, and I did everything I would normally do. But when it was quiet and I was all alone I cried and cried and cried. I had to shake it off or sooner than later I would go crazy, I just know it.

I decided that my new life was going to be MY new life. So I decided to go vegan, I no longer felt guilty about my natural hair, and I embraced my weird style of dress and music. I decided to be the mother that always wanted to be. I no longer felt bad about going to gym, and teaching my Zumba Classes. I was free to live. When you’re in a relationship it’s hard to just be you(well it was hard for me). You always have to think about what the other person might think about you. I can say that I had an amazing husband for 7 years and great marriage it wasn’t perfect, but it was great. Just at some point enough is enough, and it’s time to move on.

I have been able to do things I thought I would never be able to do. I was told I was a quitter and I had no “drive”. Those words always kept me from trying different things, because if I failed than He would have been right. But now being alone I can jump and know that God will caught me if I fall. I have some amazing people in my corner that have believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.  I have been able to set my goals high and reach for the stars.

I want to say when I was married, but I am still married so I guess I’ll just say when I was in a relationship, or wait when I was with my husband.. I don’t know.. LOL ANYWHO.. When I was with my husband I did not go to church because he did not want to go, or had to work, or the football game was on, or whatever the excuse was, so I would stay home with him or I just wouldn’t go because I felt guilty I was still going to church’s website and get the Scripture for the sermon and try to read it with some kind of understanding, but it wasn’t the same. Being alone, my son and I go to church every Sunday, and I have been able to develop my relationship with God again. And it’s an amazing feeling. He has opened so many doors for me since I’ve put him first it’s unbelievable at times.

My son and I have always had a wonderful relationship but over this past year it has developed into something so much more. After I left my husband I felt I lost everything that it was the worst decision I could ever make, but I looked at my son and realized we both deserved more than what we were getting, but I lost my stepson seven years of having someone in your life and overnight never see him again is so hard. My son lost his best friend and it kills me, so that’s one reason I wish I could take it back.

I’m thinking about the woman I was eight years ago and the woman I am now, I would not even be able to recognize her. Back then I stood for nothing and I really did fall for everything. I had no identity I did not know who I was. I went along with anything just trying to fit in. To make everyone around me happy, but I was miserable. And now look at me!!! I know exactly what want, I know who I am, I know where I’m going, and I know my God is good!! I smile because I love the way I feel. I’m happy healthy and blessed.

I’m still alone and I have still decided not to date, I just don’t feel that it would be fair to date someone new when I’m not sure if my heart is completely healed. I have been struggling with the thought that I’m still married. How can I date someone new when I’m still married to someone else? The other day I was having this conversation with a few of my friends, and they reminded me that my husband is in a relationship with the woman he cheated with, and they are living together, so I am not married anymore and that it’s just a piece of paper that no longer means anything.

I had a conversation with a new client and she was giving me the opinion she formed about me prior to meeting me from a conversation with someone I haven’t talked to in YEARS. She expressed me to that she was SO HAPPY that she decided to reach out to me anyways, because she feel that I had a different spirit than what she was told, and meeting me she knows now that she was misinformed. It’s sad that I have people who still hold on to past encounters with me, or anyone for that matter. BUT HEY I cannot help that I feel that’s their issue. I prayed for forgiveness and I know that I will never be a mean and hate filled person again. The chip I had on my shoulder has been gone for a long time. I tell people all the time that I was that person, and it took counseling for me to get to the root and find out why. I have so much more to live for to walk around with all that on me!  

I am approaching chapter 33 with this new view on life, and this new outlook on who I am. I’m falling in love with the woman I’m growing into. I stared in the mirror today and embrace all of me and reflected on the path and thanked God for this journey.

 

Thanks for reading..

Until I write again, or until you read again

Kisses and Misses

When is ENOUGH is ENOUGH

What happens when enough is enough

I just shared an article about a young man name Lee Thompson that “tmz.com” reported that Thompson committed suicide at the age of 29. http://www.buzzfeed.com/jtes/report-jett-jackson-actor-lee-thompson-young-dead-at-29. The comments I have read on other post: “How can someone do this to themself?”
 

This is a very difficult subject to talk about but this is real life and happening more and more on a daily bases. I can tell you I am about to be very open and honest with you all in hopes that maybe this can open your eyes to someone going through hard times.

Well when enough is enough..  It is possible that you get to the point of no return. I know sadly.. I have almost got to that point. I have to tell you, you just don’t get to this point over night. It takes to a few bad things to get you to this point speaking from experiences.

So this is it.. I have been on my own since the age of 18 years old.. for a moment I was pregnant and homeless confused scared and unsure of what would happen next.. Then I was in a relationship that was not the healthiest or happiness with a child I felt I was trapped in with no way out.. Then I was in a marriage that hit a hard and devastating point trying to living off of pennies for months making it work.. Then to have my husband choose another woman and no longer want to be in a relationship with me.. I had to move… after leaving and moving in with a friend.. I was not able to pay any rent and I had to move again.. My car was breaking down on a regular... I had isolated myself to commit myself to my husband and family.. The friends I thought I had was having convo behind my back judging me off my facebook post.. so I no longer had a close friends (my own fault) to help me though this heart break no one to cry to (I felt like I couldn’t explain what I was going thru without being judge).. I had a few friends call and check on me but no one knew how serious it got… I told them I was okay and making it though, it was a phone convo you can lie they can’t see you or your pain.. I was smiling and pushing through on a daily in public, but crying and falling apart in the dark, but even in public mentally I wasn’t there I would break down in crying spells over songs that came on the radio. One night it got bad ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH I was over it.. I wanted the pain to stop the headaches to end…  I couldn’t take anymore I felt that I would be happier gone and my son would be better off without me.. I had been told that I was failure, a nobody, I had no drive and no future… and at this moment I was starting to believe it..  I had no plan on what to do.. I just knew it had to be done!!  I just laid there crying my eyes out.. my son woke up.. lifts my head .. all of 12 years old and says, “mom we’ve been though worst, you’re the strongest woman I know. You can do this! And I will never leave you. I will always love you.” He wiped my face and we laid there together on a little twin bed. I realized what was I thinking!! What was I doing, my everything was not lost.. my world didn’t end.. I was laying with it right now.. I couldn’t give up.. I wouldn’t..

But if I didn’t have my little love bug shaking me up. Who know how my story would have played out.. If I did end it all it would have been a mystery to all… people would have said,

“What could have been so bad?” “But she seemed so happy all the time” “But every time I talked to her she said she was fine.” “When I talked to her I told her she was stronger than this and god doesn’t give you more than you can handle”

Sometimes it’s just not enough if you know someone is hurting don’t casting them off with a few quotes and hope that helps, cause sometimes people need more than that.. Or say they being dramatic.. Cause sometimes it’s a call for HELP!!  They need to get out their own mind and thoughts... The power of OVER THINKING… You can take something... for example (no money to pay a house bill, you can over think it to the point where you are homeless) I have that BAD I do it all the time.. something I’m working on..  Sometimes people just need to tell their story without judgment, but to afraid to talk to someone..  But they need to explain how hurt they are.. They need a hug… they need therapy…. They need something…  

But personal ya'll I needed to remember that it will get better.. one day.. I have been pushed down more than I've been helped up.. but I have someone in my corner that will always be there.. And I can get sad, worried or stressed.. But I will try not to let it get to the point of no return.. and I will not stay there long than I need to..

Hi I am a worrier with a heart issues.. I have recognized my issue and I will do my best to work on it day by day..

Think about the good and try not to think about the bad..

Thanks for reading..

Until I write again, or until you read again

Kisses and Misses