Learning to Love this NEW life...

Learning to love this NEW life

I was sitting here thinking about the past year of my life, chapter 32, this has been one amazing ride good and bad. I have been on a roller coaster since January.  I’m still trying to find some understanding and why this all happened to me, but I have to remember who am I to question God’s plan. I have been homeless, heartbroken, and hopeless, but no one would have ever known. I smiled, I laughed, and I did everything I would normally do. But when it was quiet and I was all alone I cried and cried and cried. I had to shake it off or sooner than later I would go crazy, I just know it.

I decided that my new life was going to be MY new life. So I decided to go vegan, I no longer felt guilty about my natural hair, and I embraced my weird style of dress and music. I decided to be the mother that always wanted to be. I no longer felt bad about going to gym, and teaching my Zumba Classes. I was free to live. When you’re in a relationship it’s hard to just be you(well it was hard for me). You always have to think about what the other person might think about you. I can say that I had an amazing husband for 7 years and great marriage it wasn’t perfect, but it was great. Just at some point enough is enough, and it’s time to move on.

I have been able to do things I thought I would never be able to do. I was told I was a quitter and I had no “drive”. Those words always kept me from trying different things, because if I failed than He would have been right. But now being alone I can jump and know that God will caught me if I fall. I have some amazing people in my corner that have believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.  I have been able to set my goals high and reach for the stars.

I want to say when I was married, but I am still married so I guess I’ll just say when I was in a relationship, or wait when I was with my husband.. I don’t know.. LOL ANYWHO.. When I was with my husband I did not go to church because he did not want to go, or had to work, or the football game was on, or whatever the excuse was, so I would stay home with him or I just wouldn’t go because I felt guilty I was still going to church’s website and get the Scripture for the sermon and try to read it with some kind of understanding, but it wasn’t the same. Being alone, my son and I go to church every Sunday, and I have been able to develop my relationship with God again. And it’s an amazing feeling. He has opened so many doors for me since I’ve put him first it’s unbelievable at times.

My son and I have always had a wonderful relationship but over this past year it has developed into something so much more. After I left my husband I felt I lost everything that it was the worst decision I could ever make, but I looked at my son and realized we both deserved more than what we were getting, but I lost my stepson seven years of having someone in your life and overnight never see him again is so hard. My son lost his best friend and it kills me, so that’s one reason I wish I could take it back.

I’m thinking about the woman I was eight years ago and the woman I am now, I would not even be able to recognize her. Back then I stood for nothing and I really did fall for everything. I had no identity I did not know who I was. I went along with anything just trying to fit in. To make everyone around me happy, but I was miserable. And now look at me!!! I know exactly what want, I know who I am, I know where I’m going, and I know my God is good!! I smile because I love the way I feel. I’m happy healthy and blessed.

I’m still alone and I have still decided not to date, I just don’t feel that it would be fair to date someone new when I’m not sure if my heart is completely healed. I have been struggling with the thought that I’m still married. How can I date someone new when I’m still married to someone else? The other day I was having this conversation with a few of my friends, and they reminded me that my husband is in a relationship with the woman he cheated with, and they are living together, so I am not married anymore and that it’s just a piece of paper that no longer means anything.

I had a conversation with a new client and she was giving me the opinion she formed about me prior to meeting me from a conversation with someone I haven’t talked to in YEARS. She expressed me to that she was SO HAPPY that she decided to reach out to me anyways, because she feel that I had a different spirit than what she was told, and meeting me she knows now that she was misinformed. It’s sad that I have people who still hold on to past encounters with me, or anyone for that matter. BUT HEY I cannot help that I feel that’s their issue. I prayed for forgiveness and I know that I will never be a mean and hate filled person again. The chip I had on my shoulder has been gone for a long time. I tell people all the time that I was that person, and it took counseling for me to get to the root and find out why. I have so much more to live for to walk around with all that on me!  

I am approaching chapter 33 with this new view on life, and this new outlook on who I am. I’m falling in love with the woman I’m growing into. I stared in the mirror today and embrace all of me and reflected on the path and thanked God for this journey.

 

Thanks for reading..

Until I write again, or until you read again

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